The Girlie Girl Verses The Spider

I don't know about you but I'm not afraid to say I don't like spiders. Period. Of course I pretty much don't like any creepy-crawlie critters. Or any icky boy type things for that matter. Naturally, I consider anything I don't want to deal with an icky boy type thing.

Dddiva extraordinaire that I am, I know what to do when I see a spider. Scream for help. Unfortunately, the hubster works second shift and couldn't be budged nor could the oldest, who though she doesn't like them will deal with them as necessary as she was working nights then. The littles weren't home, but I don't think they would have been any help even if they were.
I know you're thinking it's just a little spider, deal already. Perhaps I could have, but this was a mutant spider and kept growing right before my very eyes. It started taking over the room and was almost as big as the house. Well, that's a slight exaggeration, but it was at least as big as a Volkswagon.
I just can't bring myself to get any closer to the thing than absolutely necessary, so smooshing it in a paper towel or using some kind of bug spray on it is out. Knocking it down then chasing it.... hello, no way what if it fell on me or sprouted fangs or something. Screaming again didn't do a darn bit of good.

In a stroke of sheer brilliance, it came to me. Run quickly to the laundry room and get the vacuum then lug the thing back to the living room to make sure the evil creature was still there. While I wanted it gone, I didn't want it loose in my house.

Mutant spider is still there, sitting on the window, looking at me as if I'd make a nice tasty meal. Well, NOT this chickie, I am armed and dangerous. Plug that vacuum in and get to work. Sloooowly push the vacuum over near the window and very carefully remove the hose and stick on the extender. Pick out the biggest attachment there is because I kid you not, that sucker was HUGE. Yell one more time for reinforcements then bite the bullet and hit the on switch.

Thirty nerve wracking tension filled minutes later the deed is done and Mr Spider is no more. Feel my heart start beating again and turn the thing off after running a bit to make sure it is really in there and not going to climb back out and eat me or one of the dogs.

Turn to go unplug the thing and see Ken and Dawn holding their stomachs laughing so hard they could barely contain themselves and shushing each other and start cussing up a blue streak.
I was so furious I was seeing red and I ran out of words and had to make some up.

Apparently, some people have no honor. They found it hysterically funny the way I was going about getting rid of the dang thing and didn't think to come to my rescue. Morons.

I know some spiders are beneficial to the environment and eat other bugs. I know that some of you think it is wrong to kill any living creature. I am not particularly fond of it myself and usually leave pest removal to those more knowledgeable and less squeamish and girlie.

Before you come down too hard on me, though, realize this- there are poisonous spiders in our area, I believe brown recluses and I have no idea how to tell one from the other and I am pretty sure that ANY spider as big as the one that wanted to eat me HAD to be poisonous. While I am all for live and let live, when it comes right down to it if one of us had to go it wasn't going to be me if I could possibly help it.

Oh, and if you are wondering, yes I forgave hubby and Dawn, but it took a while for me to get over such a traumatic event and they bribed me.

There, I said it. Yes, I can be bought.

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